http://twitter.com/fireland/status/4007278353

Sometimes I wish my son was more like me. Or at least the same ethnicity

DEAR STUPID FIRE LAND:  My neighbors are very nice Americans of some sort of presumably EUROPEAN DESCENT but I would not know because we don’t DISCUSS such things in POLITE COMPANY, and point being they have ADOPTED a precious youngster from GUATEMALA and they all seem to be doing JUST FINE. Maybe you should try having your OWN KIDS if you are going to hate your ADOPTED FOREIGNER.

I have been EXTREMELY BUSY living my LIFE and protesting things ON THE STREETS.  If you MUST know whether or not you are funny, you can hit me up at thatisnotfunny@gmail.com but I can already tell you the answer is PROBABLY NOT.

http://twitter.com/Zaius13/status/3586212991

Your adorable toddler certainly did cheer me up. It’s amazing how grumpy I get when I haven’t eaten in a while. Did you want the other half?

I remember a story about a man who voluntarily let himself be killed and eaten by a cannibal.  I fully support everyone’s right to make their own end-of-life decisions without a DEATH PANEL but if I have said it once I have said it a thousand times:  CHILDREN CANNOT CONSENT TO MEDICAL DECISIONS INCLUDING WHETHER HALF THEIR BODIES CAN BE CONSUMED BY A WEIRDO ON THE INTERNET.  Gross and NOT FUNNY.

I am done with this tumblr now. It is exhausting and ineffective.  I want you all to know I love you very much.

*edit- just got an e-mail that it has been a fun two weeks.  Yeah, maybe for YOU

http://twitter.com/Tony_D/status/3426620353

I just thought of something *hilarious* but I probably shouldn’t type like this while I’m driv

Even though I don’t get it AT ALL, I suppose this HAS to be a joke since HOW COULD YOU HAVE HIT THE SEND BUTTON???  But in the event you were actually in a VIOLENT CAR ACCIDENT, and rescue personnel hit the send button for you, I hope you were the only one injured and not a car full of TODDLERS.

http://twitter.com/texburgher/status/3386758984

I’d join your debate about whether Americans are too puritanical, but I’m busy video chatting with two toddlers. AND THEY’RE TWINS. Aw yeah.

But YOU will CERTAINLY be taking REQUESTS to sing all sorts of awful ’90s pop music IN JAIL.

*Editing to make clear that in America, you are innocent until proven GROSS.

http://twitter.com/baileygenine/status/3388854864

Someone make a joke about being covered in paint, having the wrong screw drivers and stepping in poop. You can’t. Because it’s NOT funny.

I COMPLETELY AGREE.

Yet I can’t stop monitoring my TUMBLARITY.

http://twitter.com/aedison/status/3315152803

If you bore people, buy a brown Sharpie. Because the doctor *has* to pay attention to unusual moles.

Doctors are out there SAVING LIVES and do not have time for this NONSENSE.  And with imminent social healthcare, you are not only INCREASING WAIT TIMES FOR NECESSARY TREATMENT, you are RAISING MY TAXES.  High taxes = low comedy.

http://twitter.com/yhf/status/3364998618

Just got rear-ended by a gorgeous woman. Would have been more fun had we not been in cars.

AGAIN with the WEIRD SEX STUFF distracting drivers and causing ACCIDENTS.  I have no idea how being “REAR ENDED” by a “WOMAN” even works, EQUIPMENT-WISE, but I DO know that it belongs IN THE HOME behind DOZENS of closed and locked doors and away from our SCHOOL BUSES.  

But on another note, I hope you have a fabulously happy birthday and that lots of stuff happens that you should NEVER EVER TWEET ABOUT OR DISCUSS WITH DECENT FOLKS.