September 2009
2 posts
ADOPTION WORKS
http://twitter.com/fireland/status/4007278353
Sometimes I wish my son was more like me. Or at least the same ethnicity
DEAR STUPID FIRE LAND: My neighbors are very nice Americans of some sort of presumably EUROPEAN DESCENT but I would not know because we don’t DISCUSS such things in POLITE COMPANY, and point being they have ADOPTED a precious youngster from GUATEMALA and they all seem to...
Tumblarity Zero
I have been EXTREMELY BUSY living my LIFE and protesting things ON THE STREETS. If you MUST know whether or not you are funny, you can hit me up at thatisnotfunny@gmail.com but I can already tell you the answer is PROBABLY NOT.
August 2009
24 posts
Cannibalism is DISTURBING
http://twitter.com/Zaius13/status/3586212991
Your adorable toddler certainly did cheer me up. It’s amazing how grumpy I get when I haven’t eaten in a while. Did you want the other half?
I remember a story about a man who voluntarily let himself be killed and eaten by a cannibal. I fully support everyone’s right to make their own end-of-life decisions without a DEATH PANEL but...
NO MAS
I am done with this tumblr now. It is exhausting and ineffective. I want you all to know I love you very much.
*edit- just got an e-mail that it has been a fun two weeks. Yeah, maybe for YOU
I hope you didn't KILL CHILDREN
http://twitter.com/Tony_D/status/3426620353
I just thought of something *hilarious* but I probably shouldn’t type like this while I’m driv
Even though I don’t get it AT ALL, I suppose this HAS to be a joke since HOW COULD YOU HAVE HIT THE SEND BUTTON??? But in the event you were actually in a VIOLENT CAR ACCIDENT, and rescue personnel hit the send button for you, I hope you...
Chris Hanson didn't sing MmmmBop
http://twitter.com/texburgher/status/3386758984
I’d join your debate about whether Americans are too puritanical, but I’m busy video chatting with two toddlers. AND THEY’RE TWINS. Aw yeah.
But YOU will CERTAINLY be taking REQUESTS to sing all sorts of awful ’90s pop music IN JAIL.
*Editing to make clear that in America, you are innocent until proven GROSS.
Finally someone with some SENSE
http://twitter.com/baileygenine/status/3388854864
Someone make a joke about being covered in paint, having the wrong screw drivers and stepping in poop. You can’t. Because it’s NOT funny.
I COMPLETELY AGREE.
OBSESSION is NOT FUNNY
Yet I can’t stop monitoring my TUMBLARITY.
It's called MUNCHAUSEN'S and it is a SYNDROME.
http://twitter.com/aedison/status/3315152803
If you bore people, buy a brown Sharpie. Because the doctor *has* to pay attention to unusual moles.
Doctors are out there SAVING LIVES and do not have time for this NONSENSE. And with imminent social healthcare, you are not only INCREASING WAIT TIMES FOR NECESSARY TREATMENT, you are RAISING MY TAXES. High taxes = low comedy.
Even GROSS PERVERTS deserve a happy birthday.
http://twitter.com/yhf/status/3364998618
Just got rear-ended by a gorgeous woman. Would have been more fun had we not been in cars.
AGAIN with the WEIRD SEX STUFF distracting drivers and causing ACCIDENTS. I have no idea how being “REAR ENDED” by a “WOMAN” even works, EQUIPMENT-WISE, but I DO know that it belongs IN THE HOME behind DOZENS of closed and locked doors and...
Then KEEP IT to "yourself."
http://twitter.com/smartasshat/status/3312897107
I don’t play with fire. I’m more of a “myself” man.
It took me an extremely long time to get this one, but I have a bad feeling it is about MASTURBATION, which should be done in PRIVATE or with someone with whom you are in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. GROSS and NOT FUNNY.
Incontinence is NOT funny
biorhythmist:
thatisnotfunny:
http://twitter.com/biorhythmist/statuses/3125432906
“Hey, Julie’s son pooped in the potty!” “Psh. I do that all the time.” “Sure, but he did it *without* an iPhone.” “Touché.”
Everyone loves the book “Everybody Poops” but few people reference its companion piece “Stop talking about your bowel movements.” Defecating is a natural process meaning it is basically...
People need to WATCH THE ROAD, not STARE at DUDE...
http://twitter.com/CallMeBez/statuses/3366452022
Kids are awesome, they do like ANYTHING you tell them to. I’ve got mine tagging penises on the overpass while I laugh and laugh.
I like arts and crafts as much as the next person, maybe more, BUT everyone knows that our roads are already UNSAFE due to cell phones and TALK RADIO. The last thing we need is to have to look at the MALE PENIS...
Perverts should wash more than their hands after...
http://twitter.com/baileygenine/status/3094798907
I once got pity in a Burger King bathroom.
I don’t know what kind of WEIRD SEX ACT “pity” is, and I don’t WANT to know, but I bet it is GROSS and possibly CAT-RELATED. Families like to EAT at Burger King, and little kids sometimes CRAP in their BATHROOMS and they deserve to do it without witnessing your HORRIFIC,...
More like UPchuck
http://twitter.com/squibble/statuses/3278727123
ALL I WANT IS TO FIND A HOT CHICK TO WATCH CHUCK WITH ME AND THEN WE DO IT
What he fails to mention is that “Chuck” is short for “CHUCK E. CHEESE,” which is probably the only way this sick PERVERT can get himself in the mood.
A nation still mourns.
http://twitter.com/textism/statuses/3261600076
Firing up RealPlayer feels like having to re-assassinate Lincoln.
Too soon. Not funny.
CATS have FEELINGS, adamiSICKson
http://twitter.com/adamisacson/statuses/3264003693
Purina vomit on the carpet today. By now, the cat must think his name is “Fuck You.” That’s why he purrs whenever I use Microsoft Office.
Just as the Michael Vick story is blowing over, we get THIS GARBAGE, making a joke about FELINE EMOTIONAL TORTURE from someone who PROBABLY can’t even redeem himself by scrambling for...
LuckyShirt? More like...
http://twitter.com/luckyshirt/statuses/3239307741
Pizza Hut Hut In The Butt #unpopularstores
This is America so you can do whatever you want with your lawfully purchased foodstuffs, so long as it is behind closed doors and you obtain proper consent. HOWEVER, in some places that ARE NOT America, there are STARVING LITTLE AFRICAN KIDS who would LOVE to have some food in their butts the NATURAL...
Nudity should be confined to NUDIST COLONIES.
http://twitter.com/melissasantos/status/3225779328
look, dude, i just ran 8 miles in 90-degree weather. i deserve to sit down & eat this pint of ice cream. naked. in your store’s dairy aisle.
There is a time and place for everything. Specifically, eating ice cream while nude, although DISGUSTING, can legally be done in this country but only in your NUDITY COMMUNE behind a GIANT PRIVACY...
The term "bottom" is PROBABLY not funny.
http://twitter.com/vmarinelli/status/3135930572
If I had a magic wand, I would transform every “top marketer” and “top mom” on Twitter into a “top bottom.”
If you are referring to someone’s REAR END then this post is wildly inappropriate. But I suspect something even more sinister is afoot. If you know what this post really means, PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME...
Incontinence is NOT funny
http://twitter.com/biorhythmist/statuses/3125432906
“Hey, Julie’s son pooped in the potty!” “Psh. I do that all the time.” “Sure, but he did it *without* an iPhone.” “Touché.”
Everyone loves the book “Everybody Poops” but few people reference its companion piece “Stop talking about your bowel movements.” Defecating is...
Let's hope the day does NOT come that we use...
http://twitter.com/thedayhascome/statuses/3114488192
I had to Febreze the baby, because we’re out of whatever it is that you would normally use to clean these things.
Everyone knows that Febreze is dangerous to pets so it is probably bad for a baby. Everyone who had the misfortune to read this FILTH, please do NOT take after @thedayhascome and, instead, wash your baby in a TUB with gentle...
I guess all the cool kids want to do polygamy now.
http://twitter.com/tj/status/3107285132
Dear @emzbulletproof @lindstifa @wifeoftj: I heartily approve of your @otherwifeoftj rotation idea, but don’t forget to include @mayafish !
Ever since HBO has been polluting the airwaves with the television show “Big Love,” everyone wants to be like that hunky Bill Paxton and his harem. But I have a feeling that most people on the...
MrsHands is RUDE
First she posts gross pics. And then THIS little nugget of CRUD.
http://twitter.com/MrsHands/statuses/2873461824
Whatever happened to Wilmer Valderama?
UM HE IS ENTERTAINING CHILDREN ON THE TV SHOW HANDY MANNY. Maybe you would know if you had a life outside of making people SICK.
More like NonsequiturJERKic.
http://twitter.com/nonsequiturific/statuses/3104464403
In chaos theory, if you look up the term “strange attractor” there’s a picture of your mom.
DOROTHY MANTOOTH IS A SAINT. But seriously, my mother is a lovely woman with REAL FEELINGS and she cried when I read this to her.
Where do I start with CcStefF?
http://twitter.com/CcSteff/statuses/3095470763
Nothing kills the mood faster than the buzzer from the dryer. Except asking to be untied so you can start the next load of laundry.
Your sex life sounds GROSS and DISTURBING. Anyone who finds this to be funny is SICK in the BRAIN. Hope you are all proud.
July 2009
3 posts
Dating Goldilocks is NOT funny.
http://twitter.com/sween/statuses/2888589173
“This porridge is too hot!”
“This bed is too soft!”
“This sex is too fast!”
Goldilocks. Worst. Date. Ever.
OKAY SWEEN: Goldilocks is fictional and underage. Having a date with her is GROSS and WEIRD. NOT FUNNY.
Degrading peoples' political affiliations and...
http://twitter.com/CcSteff/statuses/2819773961
“Funny how one person’s point of pride is another person’s embarrassing secret. Like voting Republican or having an MBA.”
NEWSFLASH- people work hard for advanced degrees. I guess it’s hilarious to bust your hump for several years then put your education to work in the business world. Also, I am not one to go on about...
Kidnapping is NOT funny.
http://twitter.com/fireland/status/2822287008
“Yeah, swimming is good, but I still think the best full-body workout is grabbing someone’s baby and running away.”
I appreciate that he is concerned about exercise. America would be a better place if more people worked out. That being said, kidnapping is JUST NOT FUNNY. It affects real families who should not be exploited for...